The Mary Sue Training Academy
by EJ Amber
Summary: Y'know all those Mary Sues out there? You ever wondered where they learned to be Mary Sues? This is where! Read it for a laugh! Awaiting revision.
1. Chapter 1

The Mary Sue Training Academy

Chapter One: New to the Sue

"Hey, Jak! Ready to start another rousing 'I Got Sucked Into JakII' fic?" Daxter said.

"No, and I really don't want to anytime soon."

"Come on! This is the big time! This is what you made all those games for! You've just gotta do it! Or I won't be able to afford a swimming pool filled to the brim with slightly minty chocolate!"

"Dax, I'm really not in the mood!"

"Well, it's your job, so you don't have a choice!"

"Fine. I'll do it."

And so, Jak opened a rift to our world, finding a random girl. The girl did not look anything like a Sue, but since most people don't really look like the Sue they say they are it doesn't matter much.

"Where am I? Wait a minute! You're Jak! Can I have your autograph? Please?" the girl begged.

"No autographs. You are going to make a fanfiction with me. It is a Mary Sue, so you will need to train. See you tomorrow, bright and early, for your first day of Mary Sue training!" Jak said.

So, the next day, the girl appeared for lessons on being a Mary Sue.

"Alright, class. I'm your instructor. My name is Jak, even though it's a requirement to know my name before you come here, I have to say it anyway. The first thing that you need to know is that you _never_ do _ANYTHING_ original. It all has to be cliché. Always. Nothing original. **Ever**. Or else. Understand?"

The class nodded.

"Good. Now, let's begin with any questions. Yes, you in the back," Jak said.

"Um, I just got here, and I have a stupid name. Does that mean I can't be a Mary Sue?" the girl asked timidly.

"I'm glad you brought that up. If you have a stupid name, I'll assign you a new one. You will be 'Jess.'"

"Thank you, sir!" Jess said.

"Do not, under _any_ circumstances, call me 'sir.' You are to be on nothing but friendly terms with me, since we are supposed to fall in love and that stuff. Just call me Jak anytime you want to say something to me. And this concludes our first lesson. Your first test will be tomorrow and we will separate you into groups based on your qualification for the job of Mary Sue. Then you will be with your group and only your group until you finish making the fanfic. Understand?"

The class nodded and left.

Jak wondered for the twenty-eighth time that morning why he had agreed to this. And, since Mary Sue fics must focus on Mary Sues only and no others, lets get to that in the next paragraph.

As Jess walked down the hall to her room, she tried to go over all that she had learned.

_Mary Sues do nothing original. Mary Sues are perfect. Mary Sues get Jak to fall in love with them,_ she mentally repeated this over and over as she walked to her room.

As she entered she saw two other girls.

"Hi." she said.

"Hey." one of them said.

"You as excited as me? C'mon, I know you are! This'll be great! I'm Amy, this is Sam, so what's your name?" the other one asked.

"Well, I'm Susie, but Jak said I should go by Jess, so I guess that's who I am."

"Great! Well, see ya tomorrow!" Amy said.

Though they may not have realized it before, it was already nine pm, and they were tired after their first day as Sues, so they all slept soundly, awaiting the morning- "CUT!" Ashelin yelled. She was the director, and she was really not happy about how Jess's part of the story did not include the nightmares that a Mary Sue is supposed to have. But since it was true, they were asleep, so there was nothing Ashelin could do about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers, and also, Afeenaninganing... wow, long name! Anyway, you are Alex. The Ashelin part comes next chap, but yeah... autistic and psycotic? Wow... well, that matches me pretty well... anyway... NOW FOR THE CHAPTER!**

_Italics can be one of two things:_

_One: thinking when it's not written by a Mary Sue_

_Two: something written by a Mary Sue._

**_This is thought that was written by a Mary Sue._**

**NOW FOR THE NEW CHAPTER!**

The Mary Sue Training Academy

Chapter Two: First Test

"Wow, I had the weirdest dream! I dreamed we were gonna learn to be- WHOA! It wasn't a dream!" Jess said while just waking up.

"Yeah, this is gonna be fun!" Sam said.

So, they got up, and got dressed in the most Mary-Sue-like clothes they could find.

_As Amy headed for breakfast, she bumped into Torn._

_"Hey. You're one of the new Mary Sues? Heh. Well, looks like you've got some promise." As he said this, Torn looked her over. She was of average height, and of a great womanly figure, wearing a dress-_

"CUT AGAIN! Not a _dress_! You do not wear dresses! You wear something that shows your belly-button! Always!" Ashelin said for the second time

"Well okay then! Hmph! I hate you!" Amy said.

"Great! We need more of that! You're supposed to hate me and Keira. After all, we're your main competition for Jak. But, _never tell Jak you hate us_! It's secret, but since Mary Sues are from your point of view, it makes it all you the more Sue!"

_"Thanks! I forgot. Oh yeah, I hate you!" Amy said, and giggled at saying that when she really was a fan of Jak/Ashelin pairing-_

"Cut again! No being a fan of Jak and me, you know, _together_! Why have I been stuck with this job? Oh, this is the third 'cut' since I've got this job!"

_So, as Torn looked her over, he found that she was very hot. Noting her Capri pants and her shirt that didn't cover her belly-button, he found himself unable to stop staring._

_**Wow!** He thought to himself, **but don't forget she probably already has a boyfriend.**_

"Yes! You've got it now! That's exactly what we want!" Ashelin said. "Now, here we are, this is where your first test will be."

"What about breakfast?" Amy was quite puzzled by this place.

"The kind you get depends on your score. But don't worry, it'll still be good even if you fail completely, it just won't be the same kind as if you succeed."

So, they entered the classroom for their first test.

"Okay, this test is a written one. You have multiple choice questions, but if you can write some Mary Sue passages in the margins or something, that'd be great. So, start whenever you're ready." Jak said, as Daxter handed out papers, booklets and newly sharpened pencils.

This was the test that Sam got, once she'd filled it out:

MARY SUE QUIZ #1

If you are in Haven City during the time Jak is in prison, where are you most likely going to be?

A) Someplace, but I don't know where yet, Jak hasn't told me.

B) In prison.

C) Waiting for him to escape so that I can be mysterious and Sue – like.

Be warned, young Sues! There are two right answers, and the one you pick will define your Sue career forever. Underline your answer.

If you are in Haven City _before_ Jak is in prison, where should you be?

A)In the Krimzon Guard.

B)In prison.

C)Working for Torn or Krew or someone. I don't know which one yet.

All the answers to this question are correct, and this question will determine your Mary Sue fate.

_Can I pick none of the above?_

If you are in Haven, how did you arrive here?

A) Through my TV and my JakII game.

B) I took the bus.

C) I'm dreaming this all, so I didn't really get here at all.

Two answers are correct, but this will not determine your fate as a Sue, merely the beginning and end of your story.

_As Sam finished the test, she noticed Jess's work. On it, the answers "in the Krimzon Guard" and "waiting for him to escape so I can be mysterious and Sue – like" were underlined. Sam knew that meant they would be separated from each other. Two friends that were never meant to meet._

"Okay, hand in your tests. This time I'd like to see… Sam, Mandy and Jen." Torn called them out of the room to their next lesson. "Alright. This time, we'll do the part in the Fortress Prison. Anyone want to go first?"

Three hands shot up into the air.

Meanwhile, Jak was calling another group to see him for _their_ first lesson.

"I want Amy, Jess and Alex to follow me." Jak said. Then, as they reached their destination, he said, "You are every Mary Sue that is not 'Sucked Into JakII' exactly the same way. Now, what you will need to know is that some of you will not fall in love with me. Some of you will have Torn, and some might even get Sig. Understood?"

"What about Erol? Can I have him?" Jess asked.

"Yes, some of you may end up with Erol. Now, Jess, first I'd like you to give me your Mary Sue beginning."

_In our world, a girl by the name of Jess sat in front of her TV, playing JakII, completely oblivious to her destiny as the second Heir of Mar. She did not know that she was Jak's long-lost twin sister, or that she, too, had the amazing ability to channel Dark Eco. Truly, she only thought herself an ordinary girl._

"Good. That's good, and it does give you quite the Mary Sue background, and it does make you the Heir of Mar, so it's the best I've seen all day." Jak said.

"Okay, so when do I get Torn to fall in love with me? He's amazing! Really amazing! WAY, WAY, WAY AMAZING!" Alex said.

"Oh… I really hate this job."

"Did I mention how amazing Torn is?"

"Just leave me alone. I know how amazing Torn is already."

"Well, he's mine! The Jak/Torn pairing is stupid!"

"Did I even hint that I feel _that_ way? No! I did not even come close to suggesting that! So leave me alone!"

"Hah! You're-"

"I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

"Well, if you hadn't said you though Torn is amazing…"

"I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO SHUT UP! AAAAH!" And he turned into Dark Jak.

_As she saw her twin brother become the monster he hid inside himself, Jess knew she had to act._

_"Jak, no! You have to fight it! Jak!"_

_"Aaah! Jess! I can't!"_

_"Jak!" she didn't run, nor did she make any move to defend herself as the monster tried to kill her. "Jak! Fight it!"_

_As she was about to give up, he changed back into himself._

_"Jess! I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you?"_

_"No. You did just fine."_

"Hmm. Nice. We'll keep that when we make the fic." Jak said.

And so, the morning lesson ended, just in time for breakfast.

**A/N: at least three more reviews for the next chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Welcome to the Mary Sue Training Academy, and PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE! I HAVE TWO VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY.**

**1) Apparently, part of a cliche sucked into JakII fic is that the girl rapes Jak, but he forgives her because he "understands her pain" and I WILL NOT do that, because I find it _SICK! _People, what is wrong with you? It is a terrible thing! I can not even picture it anyway, let alone write it.**

**2) I have put in two more Mary Sues. The first is an actual self-insert. The second is inserting one of my reviewers. The self-insert is Esther, and she is... a Mary Sue. The other is Phoenix, and she whacks Jak a lot and is in love with Daxter.**

The Mary Sue Training Academy

Chapter Three: Prison Scene

"Hi!" Phoenix said. She was a new Mary Sue.

"Hey, Phoenix! I'm Esther!" said, you guessed it, Esther.

"_So, do you have any idea what group I'm in?" Phoenix asked._

"_I think it's supposed to be a 'Sucked Into JakII' fics group." Esther said._

_So, as they headed to the classroom, they discussed their favorite Jak characters._

"_My favorite is Daxter. He's cute!" Phoenix was saying._

"_Naw, Jak is better! He's amazing! I can't wait! He'll love me when I'm a Mary Sue!" Esther said. She was really excited about getting to meet Jak! "So, do you think I'll pass or fail?"_

"_I hear no one can fail! It doesn't take any skills to make a Mary Sue!"_

"CUT! You're supposed to say of course you'll pass because you're good at it, but you've still gotta at least make it sound hard!" Ashelin said.

"Hah! Torn is hot!" Alex randomly said.

"Okay, you're freaking me out." Ashelin said, and she hit Alex and then sent her to leave the Academy. And she also screamed "YOU FAILED!" at the top of her lungs.

Then Phoenix whacked Ashelin.

"CUT, CUT, CUT!" Ashelin said. "THIS IS GOING TERRIBLY! I hate my job!"

-meanwhile-

_Sam awoke to find herself in a dark prison cell. She saw another body lying next to her, and remembered that it was Jak. She remembered being knocked out by Erol and dragged off to prison._

"_Jak? You awake?" she asked, but Jak wasn't awake. She suddenly wished this were some other place so she and Jak could- no! That's not right! She couldn't do it with him if he didn't love her!_

_**But how do you know?** She wondered._

_She found no answer lying in wait for the question. Curling up next to Jak, she drifted off to sleep._

"Nice. Extra credit since that was your first try!" Torn said. They were working on the prison scene, and Sam had done it extremely clichédly (if that's a word.) on her first try.

So, Jak sat up and got whacked by Phoenix.

"Torn, why do I have to do this? It's not dignified, it's not in character, its just plain stupid to pretend you're knocked out while some girl writes utter trash about you! Why do I have to keep doing it?" Jak said.

"Because these fangirls live for the chance to… you know… do… _it_…with you." Torn explained.

Jak shuddered and Phoenix whacked him on the head.

"Ouch! Come on, Torn! Don't you think I need a break? Besides, you've got a new student."

"Great, I'll need you to test how well she does the prison scene."

Jak groaned and looked really pathetic, being forced to do all this stuff.

So, they had to do the prison scene again.

_Phoenix saw a boy in the cell. He looked like he'd only been here a few days but she couldn't tell for sure._

"_Hi, I'm Jak." He said. "What's your name?"_

_She paused before answering. Then, deciding it was probably best not to lie to him, she answered._

"_I'm Phoenix."_

"_That's a nice name."_

"Alright, so that one was bearable. Does that mean all of are? No! So just stop making me do this!" Jak said. And Phoenix whacked him again.

"Hey, at least we don't need to do it over again! Remember last time?" Torn said. Jak remembered last time really well, actually, and he didn't want to do it over.

-flashback-

_Um, Jak and the... where was I? The girl and Jak... um... did something?_

"Come on! I don't need to be here to listen to stupidity!" Jak said.

_"So, I'm Mary Sue, what's your name?"_

_So, Jak, um... did something... again... and um... Erol tortured them for ever?_

"IT WAS ONLY TWO YEARS! IT WAS NOT FOREVER!" Jak was really starting to hate this.

-end flashback-

"I hated last time." Jak muttered.

_Phoenix smiled and noticed Daxter sitting on Jak's shoulder for the first time._

"_Hey there, pretty girl!" he said. She giggled. Daxter was funny!_

"_That's sweet of you! C'mere! I'll scratch behind your ears!"_

_Daxter grinned._

"Hey, that's the first time a Sue likes me!" Daxter said.

"Heh."

"Okay, we have lots of work to do. Daxter, you get ready for the 'Save Jak and the Girl' scene. Phoenix, Esther, you two work on your Mary Sue-ness. Write some Mary Sue passages in these notebooks. Sam, work on your entrance to Haven city. Torn, make sure everyone else has something to do." Jak said.

So, Phoenix and Esther left for their room.

_Daxter and Phoenix were sitting in the Hip Hog, waiting for the others to find them._

"_So, you still think I'm pretty?" Phoenix asked to break the uncomfortable silence that had descended on the bar._

"_Of course!"_

"_Thanks! You're the sweetest!"_

_They each sipped at their drinks, not caring much for whatever the purple stuff was._

"_Heh. You're the first Mary Sue who likes me!"_

"Ugh! That was not good!" Phoenix said.

"No, I liked it. You're better than mine!" Esther said, showing Phoenix her own work.

_Jak saw her standing on the roof, her back to him. She was watching the city below them. He noticed how her long hair blew in the wind, shining in the sunrise. He could tell she didn't know he was there, and he liked it that way, but then she turned to face him and smiled sweetly. He smiled back._

"What do you mean this isn't good? That was great!" Phoenix said.

Right then Jak came in and Phoenix whacked him on the head.

"Hey! Why do you always whack me on the head?"

"Because I'm annoying."

And Phoenix whacked Jak again.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: here is the new chapter! Heh. Welcome backto the strangest place ever in the world, THE MARY SUE TRAINING ACADEMY! And this part has nothing to do with training for being a Mary Sue. So expect idiocy.**

**The Mary Sue Training Academy**

Chapter Four: How Do You Know?

Phoenix, Esther and Jess were sitting together at lunch, discussing how it was that Jak knew all the important parts of being a Mary Sue.

So, Phoenix walked up to him and whacked him on the head. Then she asked him.

"Well… um…" Jak said. "I, uh… I kind of know… because… I'm…"

"WAITAMINIT!" Phoenix said.

"Is that supposed to make sense?" Jak looked at her like she was really crazy. Which she was.

"You're a Male Mary Sue!"

"Um… we prefer the term Gary Stu…"

Phoenix whacked him on the head again. He glared at her.

"So, in other words… YOU'RE A MARY SUE!" she said.

Everyone looked at Phoenix and Jak and decided they were crazy.

Daxter chose that moment to interrupt.

"Hiya Jak! Hey Phoenix!" Daxter said.

_Phoenix smiled sweetly at Daxter. He was the only cannon character that really liked her here._

"_So, Dax… um, what are you doing tonight?" she asked him._

"_Oh, just a date with Tess. Y'know, stuff." His answer hurt a lot._

_She pretended not to care, but blinked back tears on the inside._

"So, was that a good Mary Sue passage?" Phoenix asked Jak and Daxter.

"Heh. Yeah. I think you got me right in character!" Daxter said.

"Dax, we're supposed to be **out of character**, not in character!" Jak said. Then he added, "Great Mary Sue writing. Wish Naughty Dog was that good at Gary Stues."

"Yeah!" Daxter commented, "Now he has to subscribe to 'Poorly Written Gary Stues Monthly!'" he laughed.

"You know, I told you not to tell anyone about that subscription." Jak said.

Phoenix grinned. "I subscribe to 'Even Worse Mary Sues Weekly!'"

"That's really pathetic, you know." Keira said.

"Um…" Phoenix thought about her reply for a moment, then said, "I think I'm supposed to hate you for stealing Jak from me…"

Jak shot an apologetic look in Keira's direction, then told Phoenix, "If you're a Mary Sue that likes Daxter, you really have no reason to hate anyone other than Tess."

Phoenix whacked him on the head.

"And so ends another terrible chapter." Ashelin said.

**A/N: yeah, please review! SEEYA NEXT CHAPTER!**


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